- [Horn Honking] - Mail! Mail! The mail's here!
[Radar] Hold it, guys, hold it. Come on. Hey, let me through here.
Come on, come on, you guys. This is government property. Hold it, just hold it, will ya?
- Where ya been, Kelsey? We ain't had mail in three weeks. - Oh, write your congressman.
- By the time he gets it, he'll be out of office. - Just sign it.
- Look out, look out, will ya? Give a serviceman a break. - Come on, Klinger, get down!
I ain't heard from my wife in two months! It's drivin' me crazy!
- When I sort it, you'll get it. - All right, you heard him.
When he sorts it, you'll get it. Now move back everybody. Stop.
- Gimme that, Radar. - Hey, come on, hands off.
Hands off, Klinger. Come on.
Don't torture me. Two months I haven't heard from her and I want to know why.
- Hey, hey! - I'm picking up her scent.
It always hits me like a wrecking ball. Laverne, come out!
- Stop that! - Radar, please. My wife's in there.
Absolutely no. Sniffin' the mail. Holy cow.
- Oh, oh, come on. - This is how we get camels to stand up in the desert.
My Uncle Ed used to do that. He was... Ow...
- Ah-ha! - You dirty guy.
Gin.
I'm not playing with him anymore. Too quick for me.
- Blitz you, my son. - Mail's sorted.
Ah, the Shetland Pony Express.
You want yours here, Father, or in your tent when you're there?
Here'll be fine. It's traveled far enough.
- Ah, a short note from my sister in the convent. - Oh, a nun-o-gram.
Captain Hunnicutt, Captain Hunnicutt, Captain Hunnicutt.
- Those are for me. - Ah.
You got a magazine and two letters.
Oh, great. The bonus issue of Nudesweek.
This is the one where they announce the all-star volleyball team.
I voted for Ilsa the Magnificent. I love to watch her spike.
- Dibs after you, sir. - See me next month.
Right. Uh, two letters for Major Winchester...
- and one for "Master Charles." - From his mother. Probably his allowance.
Hear! Hear! Good news for Our Lady of Hermosa basketball team.
A seven-foot-tall novice.
She could wear the hoop as a halo.
- Uh, Corporal. - Oh, sorry, sir, here's your mail.
- Unopened, I trust. - Of course, sir. I wouldn't touch your allowance.
Beej, you remember last month when I got two letters for some other guy named Benjamin Pierce?
- Greatest love letters I've ever read. - Here's another.
There are two of you, Pierce? God help us all.
- Is it from Gloria or Joyce? - Susan.
Another one? This guy probably joined the war to get some sleep.
[Chuckles]
Nibbling on her shoulder blades in an avocado grove, and at harvest time.
She's turning me into guacamole.
- I shouldn't be listening to this. - Neither should I.
"I can still feel your hot breath on the nape of my neck."
I'll be moseying along now.
[Charles] Say hello to my friends on the outside, will you?
Oh, here's the best part.
If I yawn, it's only in anticipation.
Fine. I'll read it to B.J.
- Oh, damn! - Okay. I'll read it to myself.
- Look what happens when a man's forced away from his home. - What? What?
Ah, Peg became a plumber for the first time. Tried to fix the sink.
She now has a flooded kitchen and a cold.
- Wait a minute. - What, what, what?
Went to a neighborhood party and one of our good neighbors made a pass at her.
- How did she handle it? - She thought it was funny. Ha ha.
Sounds like she handled it very well.
God, I wish I were home. None of this would have happened if I'd been there.
Beej, aside from a damp kitchen, she's taking care of things.
Yeah, well, she shouldn't have to. What am I doing here?
- [Laughing] - You find that funny, Charles?
Certainly not. At least I have received some good news. Do you mind?
Forty percent of the Missouri sorghum crop was destroyed by hail.
Best news I've heard today.
No, you don't understand. I'm heavily invested in Canadian sorghum.
People wiped out and all you can think of is yourself.
They have their interests. I have mine.
What am I doing here?
[Jet Passing Overhead]
Got some new snapshots of my grandson, Corey. Wanna peek?
- Oh, yeah, sure, sir. - Here he is in the sandbox.
Of course, you can't see him. He just threw sand in the lens.
Here's one of him and his little friends on the swings. The blur in the middle is him.
Boy, that Mildred is some photographer.
Yeah, he looks a lot like you, sir.
Radar, you can't even see him in any of these.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'll look again, sir. - What's the matter?
- Um, uh, it's personal. - Oh, in that case, it's none of my business.
- My mom's got a boyfriend. - She does?
Well, what's wrong with that? Poor woman's been alone a long time. Might be good for her.
Well, she's got my Uncle Ed though.
- Colonel, I've got to talk to you. - Later.
I'm destroyed. My world has collapsed. My life is over.
Klinger, right now I need you like a double hernia.
Laverne wants a divorce. She wants to divorce me.
Didn't we go through this routine before?
Oh, yeah. The week after the Toledo scarlet fever epidemic.
- Where you goin', son? - Oh, you're busy, sir. We'll talk about it later, okay?
Colonel, in a family crisis, the Red Cross can fix it for me to go home...
- if you'll sign the papers. - No! And don't bug the Red Cross.
- They got enough trouble with their baloney sandwiches. - But you don't understand.
Klinger, I understand only too well. And this one isn't even original. Blow!
Colonel, you've got to help me out.
Okay, here. Put one foot after the other and you're out.
- Major. - Major.
- Have you seen my tortoise pen? My tortoise shell fountain pen? - No.
I won it in a debate. "Should the U.S. Permit more liberal immigration?"
- I, of course, took the negative. - Ohh.
My family has had problems with immigrants ever since we came to America.
Aha, found it.
Oh, thank goodness, my nib is intact.
Fine. I'm very happy for you. Now please leave.
My, my, something certainly has you upset.
Look, Your Nibs, I'm very busy.
- I hope it's nothing I've done. - No, it's a family matter.
- Oh, would you like to talk about it? - No.
Margaret, I'm really interested in your welfare. Share your troubles, it might help.
Sometimes getting it off your chest can be...
All right, all right. I got a letter from my mother-in-law.
- Uh-huh. - She still addresses me by my maiden name.
- How rude. - She refuses to acknowledge our marriage.
- Unforgivable. - She writes Donald constantly, recommending good lawyers.
She loves to drop in little phrases like "two different worlds" and "one's own kind."
- Yes, I'm familiar with those. - But now this.
Donald put me up for an associate membership in the D.A.R., and she blackballed me.
- Well, that's understandable. - What?
Margaret, the D.A.R. Has standards to maintain. They can't let just anybody in.
You wouldn't be happy there. People talking about things you wouldn't understand...
- and ignoring you in the process. - Is that so?
Margaret, people like we Winchesters and the Penobscotts...
must constantly be on guard to maintain the integrity of...
how shall I say, the breed.
What am I, half schnauzer, half airedale?
Now, now, dear. Inherited characteristics are extremely important...
and the bloodline is the key.
Most assuredly you are good breeding stock, wide pelvis.
- Ooh. Good bones. - Out!
- Firm muscle tone. - Out!
- Excellent reflexes. - Out!
Will you excuse me?
- No pies for you, and that's final! - [Laughter]
I've never seen these fellows before.
They're marvelous. They're so, uh, surrealistic.
- A guy makes a pass. She laughs it off. - Beej, cut it off at the pass.
It's just not like her. She sounds less like herself with every letter.
You want to be depressed, watch the picture.
- I'm trying to watch the picture. - Oh, Charles is trying to watch.
- Quiet everybody. Go ahead, Charles. Watch. - Wombat.
- [Potter] Oh, there's Klinger's uncle. - [Laughter]
- [Sighs] - You don't seem to be enjoying the movie, son.
Old people shouldn't get married. She's almost 50.
Are we watching the same movie?
- Would you mind? - Oh, that's right. You're watching.
Wait a minute, boys, I've got you all beat. I've got five of a kind.
- What do you mean, five of a kind? - Quintuplets.
- Who needs the D.A.R.? - George Washington.
They gave him doughnuts and cocoa at Valley Forge.
Can't hear the dialogue! I've never been to a movie with such rude people!
[Hawkeye] Usher! Usher! Throw these rowdies out!
[All Groaning]
- [Charles] Klinger. - Get off my back!
Klinger, rethread the machine and get on with the show.
Rethread it yourself! I've had it!
Colonel Potter. Colonel Potter, he's walking out!
Klinger, come back here. Now what in tarnation's going on?
I told you. My wife's divorcing me.
Tell us after the movie. Come on, let's watch it.
Klinger, save it for talent night.
I want somebody to listen to me.
- We've heard it all, Klinger. - It's just another phony story.
No, it's not. This is phony, sir.
This is! And this here is phony, sir, and this.
All of this is phony. But my wife leaving me isn't.
She took my allotment checks, built up a nice bank account and now she's found another guy.
I will never get to see the end of this movie.
Look, son. We can't let every soldier who gets a "Dear John" letter go home.
- Nobody'd be left overseas. - If I could just see her, talk to her.
I've known Laverne since we were kids. I trusted her.
She was my lookout on fruit stand heists when I was 12.
The day I left, she promised to wait. She didn't tell me some guy was gonna wait with her.
Well, at least you can talk to her.
Come on. We'll put through a call.
Nah. I don't wanna call. The creep she's hooked up with might answer...
- and I couldn't handle that now. - When you're ready, the line's yours.
This is the worst day of my life.
Don't be ridiculous. You're gonna have a lot worse days than this.
Thank you, sir.
You've been away from each other for a long time. She's got to become her own person.
- What if we become strangers? - Oy.
- I need a baritone over here. - Come on. We need another Ink Spot.
- Come on. What's it going to be, Father? - "Button Up Your Overcoat."
- Fine. Key of"L." - ## [Opening Chords]
[Harmonizing] # Button up your overcoat #
#When the wind blows free #
#Take good care of yourself #
#You belong to me #
#Be careful crossing streets Ooh ooh #
- Come on, Beej. Sing. - #Don't eat meats, Ooh ooh #
# Cut out sweets Ooh ooh #
#You'll get a pain and ruin your tum tum... ##
- Bartender. - Take five, Pops.
- Give me a double. - What do you say I take you home and put you to bed?
- Ah, you servicemen are all alike. - Come on, come on.
- Bartender. - Come on, you've had enough, doughboy. Time for bed.
- May your fingers never lose their cunning. - Ah. See ya in church.
Have one on me, Klinger. Matter of fact, I'll have one with ya.
- Excuse me, Father. - Ah, Klinger, you wanna sing along?
No. I don't know nothin' but torch songs.
- Can you lend me 20 bucks? - Oh, I think so.
Gonna play poker, I assume. Good.
It'll take your mind off your domestic problems.
I'm goin' A-W-O-L.
Oh, no, my son. Don't do that.
Why, you could get into terrible trouble. You could wind up in the stockade.
Who cares? I gotta see her, Father.
- I gotta talk to her before she marries Morty. - Morty?
Her guy. Makes sausage casings. Big hands.
Wish me luck.
- I can't let you do this. - You want your 20 bucks back?
No. Klinger, please.
Just promise me you'll think about this.
- Sleep on it. We'll talk in the morning. - I won't be here.
Then you give me no choice but to tell Colonel Potter.
- You'd squeal? - Oh, for your own good.
Okay. See you in the morning.
You won't regret this. Sleep well.
Boy, you're no soft touch.
- Good night, Irene. - [Mumbling]
- Must be wonderful to have a second language. - [Knocking]
- Sir? - Shh! The baby's asleep.
Yeah. Can I, uh, can I talk to you?
Uh, let's sit on the veranda.
- Care to whittle? - No, I'm too upset.
Oh, so talk about it.
- Well, you know my mother. - Only by mail.
Well, you know she's been without my dad for a long time now.
- Yeah, I know. - She started keeping company with this man.
He's been a teller at the Farmer's Bank for 30 years.
He's a third-degree Mason. He's an elder in his church.
Sounds like a pretty shady character.
- Look, sir, I'm serious. - Okay, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Well, I don't even know this guy, and he's going around with my mom.
It's, uh, look, bingo on Wednesday night at the Masonic Lodge.
On Friday, it's square dancing at the Pentecostal Church.
Every Sunday he gets her in his Nash Metropolitan...
and he takes her over to Lockport for sno-cones.
- Just the two of 'em. They never stop. It's go, go, go! - So what's wrong, wrong, wrong?
Old people aren't supposed to go runnin' around like that.
Sure they are. I think it's great.
Well, yeah, but what if he, uh...
suppose he wants to horse around?
Great. It's good for the cardiovascular system.
Come on! This is my mom we're talkin' about!
Radar, she's a woman. She's a warm human being.
Where do you think you came from, the Monkey Ward catalogue?
- That was my regular father. - Radar. Radar, you're jealous.
- Me? Jealous? - Yeah, sure.
You have to share her with somebody else for the first time since you were a little kid.
Yeah. Maybe I am jealous.
I was the same way. The same thing happened to me. My father's a widower, you know.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You mean, just like my mom? - Yeah, right. When I was about 12 years old...
he got interested in this very nice lady.
She was a bookkeeper.
And I was sore as hell. I didn't say anything, but he knew I was sore.
And he really wanted me to like her, but I wouldn't.
Anyway.
Well, I guess he needed my approval so much that, uh...
he didn't marry her.
And he's been alone to this day.
And loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, I guess it is.
So, with your mother, I'd-I'd wait and see what happens.
Yeah, well, if you say so.
Uh, but you know, I was thinking...
um, if it doesn't work out...
maybe we could introduce your dad to my mom.
- Radar. Radar, come on, wake up. - What is it, sir? What?
I wanna use your phone to call San Francisco.
- Oh, for Pete's sake. - Come on, come on.
- Radar, come on. It's important. - Oh, come on. No, forget it.
All right. I'll do it myself.
Just tell me where to plug this thing in.
Oh! Why can't anybody ever use this darn phone during the daytime?
Oh, Radar, I can't wait that long. Listen, I owe you one, okay?
Oh, oh, oh, boy, if I had an hour's sleep for every time somebody ever said that to me.
- Her number in San Francisco is 555... - 555-2657.
I know. And I'm hurrying! It must be quarter to 3:00 in the morning.
Sparky? Y... Sparky, I know it's quarter to 3:00 in the morning.
You owe him one too, sir.
Listen, uh, this is an urgent phone call to San Francisco. Right.
- There's 25 bucks in it for you. - What?
I didn't think you'd mind.
- Okay. Right. Go ahead. I'll... I'll just stand by. - Wh-Wh-What's the problem?
Hey, this is gonna take a few minutes, you know! There's static over Honolulu!
Oh, great. It's probably those electric ukuleles.
- Hey! - [Squeaking Bear] What?
His head isn't on too good either!
- [Knocking] - Who is it?
- Father Mulcahy. Something terrible has happened. - What?
- May I come in? - Get in here.
- I've done a very foolish thing. - You, Father?
I could have stopped him and I didn't.
- Now he's gone AWOL behind my back. - Who?
I stopped by to look in on him and now he's gone.
- Klinger? - Yes.
- When? - I was talking to him in the Officers Club around 11:00...
and now it's about 3:00.
I should say somewhere between 11:00 and 3:00.
Pretty good guess. Well, let's get on the horn and try to lasso him.
I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
Ah, it's okay. I have to get up in another six hours anyway.
Peggy, I realize it's embarrassing, honey, but you've got to do it.
- What's goin' on here? - Uh, Colonel, uh...
Captain Hunnicutt has a very serious family crisis.
You took the car to Ron's Service Station and he wants $425?
Peggy, you only go there for gas and air and sometimes they charge for the air.
Hunnicutt, get off that phone. You let him call his wife about a car?
Well, Captain Hunnicutt's a captain, Colonel.
Just a second, Colonel. Honey, there's a place in San Rafael called Gene's Body Works.
Go there. Tell Gene you're my wife. He's an old friend of mine.
We played football together in high school. He'll give you a good price.
Hunnicutt, right now. Klinger's gone A-W-O-L. Every minute counts.
Sweetheart, I gotta get off the phone. What? Why did I call ya?
- Aw, come on. - [Radar] Come on.
I... I just wanted to check and see if you still need me, Peg.
Well, does she?
That's good to hear, sweetheart.
Ah, she does.
I need you too, darling. Bye.
Hallelujah. Is everything all right?
Always was.
- Get on the phone. - Right.
Call the M.P.s. Notify them about Klinger.
Colonel, they could go rough on him.
Tell them to take it easy. Just bring him back, so I can have a crack at him.
- [Knocking] - Come in, but wipe your feet first.
- Captain Pierce? - That.
Captain Pierce, I'm Captain Pierce.
Huh? Oh, the letter snafu. Ohh.
I was passing through, and I thought we could exchange our mail.
It's a pleasure to meet me. Let me introduce you to the boys in the band.
- B.J. Hunnicutt, C.E. Winchester. - How do you do? What was the name again?
Pierce. Benjamin Pierce.
I, for one, will never forget.
- Here are your letters. - Oh, thanks.
- Oh, isn't that nice? All unopened. - Mm-hmm.
Pity you can't extend the same courtesy to Captain Pierce.
I don't understand. You mean you looked at my letters?
Well, one of them fell on the ground and broke open.
- What do you mean, broke open? - That was just a little levity to ease the tension.
I just... I only read one of them.
Uh, which one was that, Pierce? The one from Sheila, Joyce or Gloria?
- Take the fifth, Hawk. - Hey, Captain, that's not a nice thing to do.
Look, I'm sorry, but up here a letter, any letter, is as good as gold, and yours are platinum.
- Yes, you're quite a Romeo. - No, no, I'm no Romeo.
You're not? I don't do that well in my dreams.
I wish they'd stop writing me. I never answer them.
I tell you what. I'll write to them. I've always wanted to be a foreign correspondent.
What do you mean, a foreign correspondent?
Joke. Little joke.
Oh. Yeah. Well, I'll take my letters now.
I guess I should read them.
[Chuckles] He guesses he should read them.
- Okay. - Thanks. Well, nice meeting you.
Wait, wait just a second. I-I... No-No offense, Pierce...
but you don't exactly look like Clark Gable and you don't sound like Ronald Colman...
and you don't move like Fred Astaire.
- How do you do it? - Do what?
- Get all the girls to go wild about ya. - Oh, that.
Uh, I guess it's 'cause I make them laugh.
- I beg your pardon? - I make them laugh.
It's my sense of humor. I'm a very funny guy.
He's a very funny guy.
[Vehicle Approaching]
It's Klinger. Holy Toledo, it's Klinger.
Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger. He's back.
Out of my way. Thank God he's back alive. I'm gonna kill him.
You jackass! What kind of idiotic stunt was that?
For two cents, I'd slam you in the hoosegow and throw away the key.
- Welcome home, Klinger. - Joyriding around Korea in the middle of the night.
Could've gotten yourself killed! Now what do you have to say for yourself?
- Colonel, I gotta tell you... - I don't want to hear it!
- The Colonel was worried sick about you. - Not sick, just worried.
Well, come on. Let's hang up your undies.
- Radar, would you handle... - I understand, sir.
Thanks.
Family. [Clicks Tongue]
I was this close, Colonel.
I had my reservations and everything.
Deluxe accommodations in the baggage compartment of a C-47.
I bumped a general's poodle to get on.
- What stopped you? - When I was waiting for the plane...
I had some time to really think about what she had done to me.
- She had no right. Not while I was here. - Agreed.
Don't forget... under all the feathers and laces beats the heart of a real man.
I got my pride, and if she don't want me, then I don't want her.
- Now you're talkin'. - Let her have Morty.
She'll probably eat all that free sausage and blow up like an elephant.
- Serves her right. - You deserve a lot better.
Don't I know it. Besides, this hitch is bad enough.
I don't want to spend the next one in jail.
I have scruples, you know.
When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way... with a Section Eight.
That's it, son. Always go with your best pitch.
How about letting me buy you a drink?
Yeah, sure. They didn't even have a lounge at that crummy airport.
You know, Colonel, there are a lot more women than there are guys in America.
- True. - And the women got most of the money...
- stocks, bonds, stuff like that. - Right.
So there's got to be a rich, beautiful dame out there for an attractive lunatic like me.
Hang tough, kid.
You know what I'm in the mood for? A banana daiquiri.
#Take good care of yourself You belong to me ##
- Hey, hey! - All right. To Max Klinger.
- Korea's most eligible bachelor. - Hear! Hear!
May you find a wife who dresses as well as you do.
- Oh, okay. - Corporal, my hat is off to you.
Not to mention his hair. [Laughing]
What you did takes daring and courage. God bless you.
I was going to say that.
Your turn, uh, Radar.
- Your turn, Radar. - It's okay, Ma, throw the bouquet.
[Chuckles] It's his last Shirley Temple with the three-beer chaser.
Hey! I-I-I-I wanna make a toast.
[Chattering, Cheering]
- To MASH 4077... Seven. - Seven.
I may not have a family no more in Toledo, but I sure got one here.
- Hear! Hear! - I love you guys.
[Crash]
Pretty rotten way to show it.